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Get A Clue

When you know better, you do better, hopefully. Unless you’re hardheaded like I was and at times still am. I can no longer use the excuse that I’m young and dumb. I have now passed what most consider the days of my growing pains. There is something about these 30s, at least for me, that makes me just want to do better, we shall call it maturity. It saddens me when I encounter fellow women whom have hit and even passed my age and somehow managed to not to gain any knowledge from this fun rollercoaster called life. I understand that we are all products of our environment, past experiences, DNA, culture upbringing even race therefore we have a right to differ. However, stupid is as stupid does. So unless you are indeed a complete Helen Keller, you should maybe check the company that you keep. With as many social groups, clubs, denominations, and sports teams we purchase frivolous paraphernalia to represent what about the team you were born into? Why do we choose to disgrace the fabric of our entire being? We were created as a gift. A gift to man and the earth. We carry the human race within our wombs and are the complete support system of leaders of the world. To execute this task, we originally never needed, liposuction, earrings, eyelashes, Brazilian Remy, push up bras, fill INS, or Louis Vuitton. Do we need it now? What are the true ingredients to be a woman, a vagina and breast? I think you can by those now (Bruce Jenner) and I was always told that the best things in life were free. Being a woman has nothing to do with what you can buy at any store. If I tore up some of the rooms of a lot of the women we look up too I’d bet you a million dollars that I don’t even have yet (I will soon) that I could find a million beauty items, but I bet you I’d never find ………a clue.

I often ponder on how different things would be if we supported one another as much as we competed. I’m speaking toward us as women, but not limited to. Just think, if more men supported men, Christians supported Christians, blacks supported blacks. As must trash as we talk about “Others”, yes I’m referring to whites, Spanish, Asians, even crackheads, they support one other far much more than we. Well let me stick to the subject at hand. We are all one. We are all here. As I mentioned before as far as the things we have embraced to define what we claim constitutes the beauty of a woman are all just condiments. I love to dip things in ranch. Pizza, broccoli, chicken, even fries. Why? It’s good, I love the tang. However, if I’d never been introduced to “Ranch” or if it indeed never existed, my chicken would still be chicken, as so would my pizza, broccoli and fries. I ruined myself the first time I ever dipped because now I feel that it isn’t what it was without it, but it is! I don’t wear eyeliner, because it makes me cry. I remember my mom telling me to never start wearing it because once you get used to looking the way you do with it, you’ll think you look crazy without it. Now you’re stuck, and so is everyone else. I wore eyelashes for years. Anyone who wears them consistently knows that when you take them off, not only do you look ridiculous to yourself, you have also trained those whom view you on a daily basis to think that it is a part of you. People would ask me when I took them off, “What’s wrong?” “You look tired today”, “Have you been crying?” It was torture just to wear my own eyes. We have done this to ourselves. We play dress up, and yes it is fun, but not now when we are just us, we feel like we are not “Us”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at all saying that we need to go all natural and back to the motherland. What I’m saying is that when you do these things to enhance because of your hidden insecurities, the pain of being “You” becomes a struggle unless you are already completely confident in you to begin. As a hair stylist I used to change my hair weekly to the extreme that you just may not know who I am from week to week. Although I can credit some of it to my creativity and the tribute to the lifestyle and occupation I embraced during that time, I have a confession. I wasn’t satisfied with myself. I’ve been told that I was beautiful as far back as the first words I could ever remember hearing. Older guys told me “Oh you’re gonna be a heartbreaker when you grow up”. I didn’t feel like one. I wanted to be loved. The real kind, and since it had not found me, I hiked my dresses up and I pulled my blouses down. I managed to grab the attention of every man in the room, even yours, but never a ring. I managed to get 3 baby girls but never a thing that really mattered and with all of the fame, complements and built ego I gained, I was never truly flattered until the day I took it all off. One night I stood in the mirror full of tequila butt naked, ears full of pastor troy, air full of cigarette smoke and cried until I couldn’t see me anymore. After I dried my face I forced me to look at me. I was alone but I spoke out loud to myself. I grabbed my stretched out belly. “I love my stretch marks, they came from my babies”. I let the beauty of my war wounds sink in until I was proud. Then I grabbed my breast and said “No, yall don’t sit up like yall used too, but I love yall too”. I stepped a few steps closer and I pulled the eyelashes off my face. “Damn, you have some beautiful eyes”. I unraveled the towel off of my freshly washed hair free from the weave I’d just washed out. “You have hair”. I ran my finger through it. “You have some pretty hair too, people don’t even think you can grow, you can grow hair”. I wiped the extra tears from my face and caressed my flawless skin and smiled. I turned around and admired myself and said, “What are doing, you da bomb, and any one who can’t see it……. is just as crazy as you were”. Then it was settled. I turned the music up louder and danced like I was in a room full of people all by myself.

I am not a puppet.

After I began to love myself, again I became my own hype man. All the hoots and hollers from others that used to activate me had now become silent to the hoot and hollers in my own head from myself.

One of my favorite lines used to be “I’m not confused about what I want, I’m confused about what I get”

Now, I know that people can only give to you what you are willing to accept. So what do you accept? When you love yourself, ANYTHING will NEVER be good enough! What you deal with is a reflection of what you think your worth. I do well with examples, so let’s go there.

So we all have brains right? Has someone made you feel that your intuition is your crazy? Sometimes it may be, but somethings you just know. Be careful questioning that gift, it may save your life. If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and smells like a duck, its probably two ducks!!! He only calls you after midnight because you always answer the phone. You’re grown, you can talk to anyone you please at night, and sometimes I do. Just make sure it isn’t because he can’t talk to you during the day in front of others. Are you a secret? Better yet do you feel that you are only good enough to be a secret? Does he text you, confirm that he’s not doing anything important and if you decided to just call he can’t answer and text you back he can’t talk? Does he treat you like gold when you’re together and alone and then pretends you’re his hommie in front of a crowd? Is he available for sex, but unavailable for a commitment, engagement, and marriage? Does he celebrate what’s important to you? Does he care? Does he ask a million questions and never give up any answers? Does he say he loves you when you know he hasn’t even taken the time to know anything about you to love? When you want to talk about the future and relationship things he says you’re moving too fast but stays concerned about the color of your thong? Does he conveniently pretend not to remember the things you said were going wrong but always happen to remember when you mentioned your kids won’t be home? Does he push you to be better, does he make you stick to the goals you originally mentioned? Does his phone always seem to be dead when you call him after a certain time? Does his inconsistencies make you want to share your tampons with him? Do you do everything like people that are in a relationship do and still have no idea what to call what you’re doing?

Stop! People in general don’t realize how much control they actually possess. Although we may not ever be able to control what others do, we can indeed control ourselves. I look at myself as a totally separate entity almost as you would look at your child, or a valued loved one. If I could put myself beside myself I would smile and admire her as if I would a separate thing I’d admire. This also goes into my protection mechanisms. I would never let you harm any my children. Never. I shield them and protect them from everything that I possibly can. Why? Because I love them so much. I become almost inhumanly upset with the thought of you possibly thinking about harming them. I feel the same exact way about myself. When I see you coming with harmful intent I shift instantly into protection mode. Is that weird? Well it shouldn’t be. You will never truly be able to love anyone else if you don’t love yourself. I love me the most, after God for he is my everything. I love me more than my children. Don’t make that face. Yes I do. If I don’t love me enough to take care of me, I will be no good for them. I always have to be mindful of my physical and mental health in order to parent affectively. Love has a domino type of effect. This is the same when dealing with horizontal relationships. When you indeed love someone you will genuinely care about that persons overall wellness. This means not imposing hurt on them purposely. Even if not purposely, the repeat neglect of the sensitivity to the things that have been proven to hurt the person you love is just the same as abuse not to mention selfish. To a person that loves themselves as much as they should, this type of treatment would never be acceptable. So again, how much do you love yourself?

Sometimes we have to dig deep to find the root of our afflictions. It is so easy to say “I don’t have insecurity issues” or “I know I love myself”, but actions speak louder than words. With everyone being products of the life they have existed in, it is completely normal to have become scared by more than a handful of hurts. From you living in a home where physical, emotional and or drug abuse may have bubbled over to the acceptance of it. Feeling like your mother or father not being around was your fault. The stigma of the way society implies a woman should, look, act or feel has definitely played a major part in how most place themselves into categories of beauty. Guess what, none of these things have any authority to promote or demote who you are over what your creator thinks of you, therefore it should have no position to prompt a secondary thought.

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.

(Psalm 139:13-18)

Everything about you,

Your naturally wavy, straight, black, curly, brown, thick, blonde, thin, red or kinky hair, your pale, blue black, coca brown, caramel, or dark chocolate complexion, long, short, muscular, dimple filled or slender legs, coke bottle, pear, apple, diamond, oval, banana, strawberry, triangle or square shape, whether your hair grows fast or not at all, even bald on the sides, one two or three chins, A,B,C,D,DD,DDD E, F,G,H,I,J,K,L cupped, perky or saggy breast, flat, flabby, high, low or tight butt, six pack, innie, outie, stretch mark covered, C-section scared or kangaroo pouch having belly, flawless or acne prone skin, midget or amazon, size 0, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24, uni-brow or brows on fleek, your creator made you all purposely unique.

Our focus is all wrong.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:2)

Let’s take into account a few things that make us as women feel we are not indeed the women we already are. As if previous domestic, psychological, physical and emotional issues aren’t enough we also have to soak in….

Reality T.V., filled with women whom for the most part only feel socially justified through the statuses of men whom don’t even have the balls to show their faces or even reveal their names to justify the REALITY of their relationships!

The glorification of hate, competition and jealousy amongst women, some doing extraordinary deeds and launching popular and profitable products fighting over pointless conflicts all for ratings sake.

Super models or closely related women placed on a flawless petal stool, while hiding the pressures of judging eyes, eating disorders and other tortures to their bodies for the acceptance to be deemed “PERFECT”.

Fashion that focuses on covering the least, leaving nothing to the imagination or only offering sizes that cover the ages of our toddlers.

Music that constantly chant into the minds those whom are willing to listen and embrace the distorted definition of an appealing women with lines such as…

“Cause whatever you don't do, another women will (true)”. “Want you to know you're a Blessing”.

Oh yeah and here are some great directions to some dance moves.

Booty me down. Take it to the ground. Bring it back up. Gimme gimme now. She a bad bitch. Make it bounce bitch. I make it rain trick. This some stripping shit. Then I dig her down. Make it wiggle down. Left ass cheek. Right cheek now. Hit the splits now. Make them pussy sounds. Three point stance. Time to get it now. Make that ass clap. Gone bring it back. Where them girls at? Time to hammer that. Toot it then I boot it. Coochie is the target. And if she's not about it step up out my office. Got my homies now. She bootyed them down. We took her to the crib. Gained that booty down. I'm talking freaky shit. Time to get around. Twerk special session. It's time to get it now.

This is why your daughter is sexing drug dealers and desires a bigger butt and fancy name brands.

Let him eat it with his grills, and he tellin' me to chill. And he telling me it's real, that he love my sex appeal. Say he don't like em boney, he want something he can grab. So I pulled up in the Jag, and I hit him with the jab like….Oh, my Gosh, look at her butt….Pussy put his ass to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil. Now that bang, bang, bang. I let him hit it 'cause he slang cocaine. He toss my salad like his name Romaine. And when we done, I make him buy me Balmain.

Maybe Beyoncé is referencing a wild night with her hubby, but most that sing this aren’t married.

This may be why your daughter suddenly wants a surf board, but can’t swim and for some odd reason watermelon is now her favorite food.

I've been drinking, I've been drinking. I get filthy when that liquor get into me. I've been thinking, I've been thinking. Why can't I keep my fingers off it, baby? I'm rubbing on it, rub-rubbing, if you scared, call that reverend. Boy, I'm drinking, get my brain right. Louie sheets, he sweat it out like wash rags he wear it out. Boy, I'm drinking, I'm singing on the mic to my boy toys. Boy, I'm drinking, I'm singing on the mic til my voice hoarse. Then I fill the tub up halfway then ride it with my surfboard, surfboard, surfboard. Graining on that wood, graining, graining on that wood. I’m swerving on that, swerving, swerving on that big body. Been serving all this, swerve, surfing all in this good, good. I've been drinking watermelon.

Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.

A real woman carries herself in such a way that she commands the respect of an entire room without speaking a word. Wisdom and kindness fills the hearts of those when she does speak which is what she is remembered by upon her exit. A woman knows that just having outward beauty does not make her because these things may not last but pleasing the Lord will. Her choice of clothing represent her well as so the cleanliness and décor of the home she makes a priority to prepare for her family. She works hard, is not lazy waking up early to stay ahead of the game which aids in her savvy business decisions. This causes her to yield success in all that her hands touch. A woman is a magnet to wealth and all things good because she is honest, fair, trustworthy and a giver to those in need. A woman is strong, she plans ahead to prepare a future for her family therefore never worries of what the weather may bring. Her husband is fully and completely content in her because the light that she shines has attracted a Godly man whom is wise enough to recognize the value she possess. She is good to him, never evil, and supports him, in return he praises her and her children love and respect her. Most importantly she loves, fears respects, seeks provision from and follows God, making her worth far more than the world could ever afford to pay. (Proverbs 31:10-31)

What is your price?

10 A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman–who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls. [Prov. 12:4; 18:22; 19:14.]

11 The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil.

12 She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.

13 She seeks out wool and flax and works with willing hands [to develop it].

14 She is like the merchant ships loaded with foodstuffs; she brings her household's food from a far [country].

15 She rises while it is yet night and gets [spiritual] food for her household and assigns her maids their tasks. [Job 23:12.]

16 She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties]; with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard. [S. of Sol. 8:12.]

17 She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm.

18 She tastes and sees that her gain from work [with and for God] is good; her lamp goes not out, but it burns on continually through the night [of trouble, privation, or sorrow, warning away fear, doubt, and distrust].

19 She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

20 She opens her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her filled hands to the needy [whether in body, mind, or spirit].

21 She fears not the snow for her family, for all her household are doubly clothed in scarlet. [Josh. 2:18, 19; Heb. 9:19-22.]

22 She makes for herself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry. Her clothing is of linen, pure and fine, and of purple [such as that of which the clothing of the priests and the hallowed cloths of the temple were made]. [Isa. 61:10; I Tim. 2:9; Rev. 3:5; 19:8, 14.]

23 Her husband is known in the [city's] gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. [Prov. 12:4.]

24 She makes fine linen garments and leads others to buy them; she delivers to the merchants girdles [or sashes that free one up for service].

25 Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; she rejoices over the future [the latter day or time to come, knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it]!

26 She opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction].

27 She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness (gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she will not eat. [I Tim. 5:14; Tit. 2:5.]

28 Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied); and her husband boasts of and praises her, [saying],

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], but you excel them all.

30 Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised!

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates [of the city]! [Phil. 4:8.]

Nika J.

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